She Breaks Just Like a Little Girl (Dealing with Depression post)

I managed three of the four weeks of my work experience but at the beginning of the fourth my brain said no more, in a curled up on the floor in tears and couldn't stop kinda way. It all got a bit much, I felt exhausted all the time, I was expected to be someone I really at not, to look for work when I wasn't at work, cleaning, cooking or the other hundred and one things I felt needed to be done.

Then I went for an interview I wasn't great but thought I'd be okay, well I wasn't right. I ended up on Blossom Street in tears after self harming on the bus and rang my friend who quickly came to me and whisked me away to a quiet place so I could put the fragments of myself together. I went to the doctors and the doctor who saw me gave me the pull yourself together you will be fine talk, here is a sick note for four days. I later saw one my usual doctors and sorted something out that was better.

Then the day after that I got a call to arrange my CBT appointment after months of waiting. We are discussing my various things and she is very nice and helpful. We are working together well and it's nice to have a non judgemental person, one of the other people I've talked to tended to be a bit oh you should do this or that but she is more the "are you comfortable with that".

Four weeks as a Govement Slave

So I've been 'volunteered' for mandatory work experience which for me means I'm working in a shop as a retail slave. I haven't done any till work yet just filling and facing up with a little cleaning thrown in for good measure. The managers seem okay and the peons nice. But I really don't like working for nothing even a token amount for attending would have been nice.

So for six hours a day I am on my feet working hard, then I am expected to look for work as well. My feet hurt, I ache from head to toe and I'm so knackered I just want to sleep the rest of the time.

The Wet, the Crowds and the burgers

We went to to Leeds on Saturday to the White Rose Shopping centre, it was pouring down and we ended up sharing an umbrella to the centre itself from the car. We ended up in Build a Bear as we tend to when we go there Sis wanted to get Rarity from My Little Pony which they are currently doing. I ended up coming home with a white bear who I have named Marc as he is an Almond Cub...

It was very busy and we had never seen it so crowded combination of Saturday and rain I guess. After being in a couple of crowded shops my brain tried to freak out so I sat down for a bit with an audiobook on my ipod and shut my eyes for a bit and concentrated on that, which helped calm me down.

After a peek in a shop or two we then went to the Handmade Burger Co who do very nice burgers and chilled out there for a while chatting and generally being silly. Managed to pick up a few bits for my Sis who like myself has a birthday shortly must be something to do with us being twins.

I Think I've Been Domesticated!

When I was younger I wanted to do everything and go everywhere as all teenagers do. Now I am in my thirties and I am happy that I am getting a new washing machine and my ambition is to have a little home with my partner and be his housewife. Admittedly a housewife who plays MMO's or Xbox but you can't have everything ;) can you.

But at the moment I am happy to clean my kitchen, make sandwiches for my partner to take to work and dinner for my family and would like a steam cleaner as the one I borrowed from my dad got the floor so clean. Still need to work on the cleaning the rest of the flat though. Well my next project is giving the bathroom a good clean, which shouldn't be too hard as there isn't that much to do in there, I think but I'm sure I'll find a few other things to do as I go through there.

Sunny days

I have been enjoying the last couple of days, the sunshine has been lovely and I managed to get out in it for walks, one to the local shops to get a few bits and one with my mum to Bachelor Hill which is near my home. You get such a nice view and on a clear day, like Sunday you can see all the way to the hills and you can see the white horse. Took my camera and took a few photos too.

Talking of photographs, a couple of my pictures have been on display at the City Screen cinema as part of the Love Arts festival. They are on display until Friday 30 May on the first floor.

In other news I've lost four pounds so far in my quest to get down to more reasonable weight, so go me!

Living with Glados

So I have depression and the way I tend to liken it is it's like having your very own personal Glados (from the Portal games) who has been described as being "polite, passive-aggressive, and insanely sadistic.".

So when I feel I've done something wrong she starts with "oh it's you..." And the proceeds to tell me how useless I am and that everyone hates me all in a perfect imitation of my own voice. She lies a lot and tries to make me believe things that are not even the remotest bit possible. I am beginning to recognise depression's voice though so it is easier sometimes to ignore but still on occasions I believe the thoughts.

Occasionally the thoughts float through my mind, the insidious type, if you do this maybe things would be better. Usually self harming in nature but not so much lately and if they turn up they it is easier for me to just let them pass by instead of at some points where they sounded like good ideas.

The drugs have quietened the thoughts but they still bubble up and I know that help is still needed just waiting for the CBT process to get to the point where they can see me.

Lavender's blue, dilly, dilly, lavender's green

Today I went to Yorkshire Lavender with my mother and Lea it is lovely around there and it was nice to be out in the countryside again. I came back with some Lavender and Bergamot bath fizzers, pencil, pencil sharper and an eraser. There was so many Lavender things! Also came back with a Lavender plant for my sister. We want to go back in summer when more of the plants are in flower but I got some lovely shots of the countryside and some of the plants that were in flower and the deer too.

The tea shop had lovely (and generous) portions but the service was a little slow, we watched them lose about three or four tables because they didn't get served for quite a while. But all in all a good day and lovely weather too.

Thoughts about Food

I love food, cooking and baking. I am also realising that my relationship to food is sometimes not healthy. Having been noting my food down on an app to help me lose a bit of weight I've been realising that sometimes I eat because I'm bored and sometimes because of emotional issues.

I realised the emotional side when this weekend I fell apart for the first time in a while and noticed that my first thoughts were to head for food, when I wasn't a crying non verbal mess. We actually ended up having a walk out instead and that did me more good as I used some mindfulness techniques and it helped calm me down and treated myself to a cheap almost chocolate dessert (which I ate mindfully :D ). At least I'm not eating from boredom so much as I am thinking about what I'm eating instead of just heading to the kitchen and seeing what's there.

I'll have to look into more recipes to do in the slow cooker, I've got the cider cooked gammon and a nice stew down I'm sure I can find other tasty tasty things to do with it.

Interviews and other things that come to mind

I had my interview on Monday, it was unusual...We as a group (there was four of us) had to make and present a 'product' and what market and price point we would sell it at. Which was fun, got to play with glue and glitter and the interview itself seemed to go okay but I didn't get the job *sigh* back to the job search again.

Had my Mindfulness support group on Wednesday and chatted about this and that and did a standing meditation which was led by our guru on such matters, he is very into Buddhism and can tell you all about it. It was very nice to catch up with some of the group and meet some new faces.

Went back to one of the free to play MMO's I have on the puter Guild Wars 2 and have been enjoying it. First time I played it I think I had too many expectations on what it should be rather than just playing it and figuring it out but coming back to it after quite a while I just went with it and found it enjoyable.

So I got another book from my volunteering gig called Queen Victoria's Book of Spells, it's an anthology of Steampunk type stories and looks good.

Things

I made for dinner today the dish known in the family as Chicken Thing. Tasty and pretty easy to make but feeds us well. It also reminds me of Sundays at home if Mum didn't make a roast dinner and it was always looked forward to.

So I have my interview tomorrow, my smart clothes are ready and I am very nervous completely calm about it, I am sure my crafty little self will go down well.

Sleepy Shadow

I had a nap earlier and slept for at least two hours and will not be going to bed as late as I normally do. This week has been tiring but worthwhile in the fact it made me realise I want to do the education thing again I enjoyed being in the classroom learning (or at least sharing my knowledge). So I shall have to poke that and see what is available.

In other news I have an interview and it's for an area I have an interest in crafts. So I have some smart new interview clothes and enthusiasm. Plus I've lost two pounds in weight so all that walking I've been doing this week has definitely been good for me onward and downwards hopefully.

My beloved had his birthday today and was pleased with the gifts he got and very delighted that I brought home chocolate and muffins for him, well you should have some sort of cake on your birthday.

Courses for Shadows...

I'm on a course at the moment, in fact I've been doing more than one (mindfulness, creative writing, whatever else I can get involved with) but this one is a Jobcentre one. It isn't as bad as I thought it would be and the people are nice but still I am in a group I don't know and I tend to get a bit unnerved.

After having a good walk around and buying fruit instead of chocolate I had ten minutes to spare so I did some meditation for five minutes to prepare me for the anxiety of roleplay. It helped me be more relaxed and that in turn helped me to be a very good distracted shop assistant. The teacher said I played the role very well.

I've been managing to walk lots the last few days so hopefully that will help in the long run of me trying to eat healthier and get more exercise.

Lions and Teddys and Foxes Oh My!

His name is Harry, I've only had him a few months but I saw him in the shop when I was in a down and he had been reduced so I bought him to cheer myself up. He has become a bit of a barometer if I'm feeling blue I'll grab him and wander around the flat looking all of about five. 

I've always had a favourite teddy/cuddly toy to go to at various times. One Eyed Ted, Nippet, Leo, Jasper and a few others all with various reasons as why I would go to them. 

One is a fox called Foxy and he was made for me by my dad when I was about nine. These days he's looking a bit worn and has no nose but is still loved. At one point I began having nightmares pretty often and ended up falling asleep hugging my fox to guard me from having more, so then I started hugging him when I went to bed to stop me having nightmares and it worked. 

Leo I always hugged when I was ill he just seemed to comfort me more when I was sick, his nose is worn and his velveteen paws are quite smooth these days.

So if I am hugging a small bear named Harry, he's there to chase the black dog away? If only for a little while.

So who has been sending me their energy?

Having upped my medication I've been finding it harder to get up but once I have for the last couple of days I've been wired. Today I've done the washing up, sorted a few bits out and made a cup of tea for people and walked to the corner shop it's not far but I took a longer route to it so I could burn off some of this energy I've suddenly acquired. Still have the background feeling that I connect with depression but it's easier to ignore at the moment.

Also I have been sewing my dragon cross stitch so yay for me! I can get used to this.

A Dragon and other things

I've cross stitched for years, I have a large box filled with various things I've made, to be made and materials I've picked up over the years. But you see I have a dragon cross stitch that I am sewing, mostly not sewing. The piece is about 2 foot by 1 foot and the pattern came on two A3 sized pages, I had to buy a book with the pattern in as the original is falling apart (and then another one because I lost the book *sigh*). It is not a small project by any means. It's a UFO or unfinished object which has now been on the go for thirteen years, I have been doing longer than I have known my fiancé (twelve years in October). It is beautiful and whenever I show it to people I get such lovely compliments which being me I go well it's from a pattern or it's taken me years and other self-deprecating comments. It is getting close to being finished but recently I can never seem to find the will to sew it, it's complicated, I need to sort out the threads, I need to do the metallic bits and they are a pain are all excuses to myself I've used to justify my not doing it and the more I do that the easier it gets to go 'I'll do it another day I feel better by then'.

So I am resolving to pick my needle up and finish that damn dragon!

A nice walk

I walked to the shops today, I haven't been doing so recently been catching the bus instead because it seemed so much easier than walking all that way. But I weighed myself recently and realised that instead of the 10 or so stone I should be I am approaching 13 stone yeah not good. So I am trying to be healthier and walk as it will be good for my weight but also my mind as more exercise is proven to help with depression.

It was a lovely sunny day and the walk was warm with the scent of freshly cut grass and seeing some of the flowers beginning to bloom. So today was a good day and I even got some small cross stitch kits sorted for my mum.

Little mouse, little mouse

I have been told by my dad that I was a chatty child when very young, but soon after he and my mum split I seemed to learn that being noisy was bad. This was probably to do with my step dad who to put it mildly sometimes most of the time was not a nice person. So I became quieter I would still talk to people but maybe not so much and very quietly. Then when I started secondary school the teasing that we (me and my sis) had put up with went up a notch or seven and became full on bulling. So I took from that, that people were not to be trusted and that making friends was really hard.

When I hit Sixth Form I am sure my classes thought I was a functioning mute. Literally the only people I talked to there was my tutors and my sister and later her boyfriend. So when I hit college I realised I could not really function like that and made an effort to talk to people. I got to be able to say hi to classmates and even know most of their names. Also we joined with a group through the LAN network and ended up playing D&D properly for the first time with a group of three guys. My sister kept in contact with one of them (He became her partner later, what happened with him I will cover in a later post).

So I've got better over the years at talking but still find it really very hard. Every time I think of something I will go over it in my mind and make sure that there is nothing it what I say that someone can use against me, because I've learnt that I shouldn't speak up or if I do bad things will happen or at least that's what my brain tells me. So I shall head to CBT to try and change my behaviour patterns because even if it doesn't make me a chatterbox (I don't think so!) it will be nice to be able to talk to strangers or even people I know a bit without fear.

Of Doctors, books and annoyances

So today was my doctors day and she was very understanding and helpful which sometimes is half the battle. She made sure that I saw a referral sent so that I wasn't worrying about it and upped my meds which while I didn't really want to do it, it is what is needed right now.

On to a happier note I've been reading one of the books I bought on Friday (Spike and Co.) which is very good and an interesting insight into the the comedy of the late 50's and early 60's of which I already knew a little bit about already from being interested in Round the Horne and the Goons and looked into the background of both.

And so to annoyances my sister has been fighting with ESA to get money and they are being reluctant to give her it because they keep reading the wrong bit of information. Hopefully this will be sorted shortly when she gets in touch with the advisor who had dealt with this before with her JSA. Considering these are the same people who lost three of my sick notes I am not holding my breath.

But mostly a good day as I came out with the result I wanted from the doctors and have found a good book.

Tiredness (Warning: depression stuff )

I am tired. At the moment I am always tired but not in a physical sense, brain tired. My depression has got a bit worse recently and I am beginning to really feel it now. The tiredness, becoming withdrawn even around my people I love, the numbness and then when not numb sadness.

I caught a bit of a programme my partner was watching the other day and one of the main characters was being all emotional about something and said "I wish I couldn't feel anything." I thought about this and my response is that feeling nothing is much worse. When you are at something amazing and all you can feel is a dull sense of enjoyment, when something bad happens and you feel sad but at the same time are just relieved it wasn't the really bad thing you had imagined the day before. Living each day as the same at the same dull level nothing appearing to change or you feeling any different.

There have been days where I wanted to feel something but the only way I could find to feel something was hurting myself. I am not at that level again but sometimes I feel my thoughts treading that same dark path. So I am taking myself back to the doctors and am going to talk things over with them about it because I don't want the black dog back at the door begging to be let in to make a mess all over again. I've been there before and it takes a lot of cleaning up.

You shall be baked...

I baked again for the second time in three days, I haven't baked for ages and it's nice to remember why I like doing it and seeing the end results (even if they don't last long around my other half). Today I made more raisin buns and a marble cake. I haven't cut into the marble cake yet and will be interested to see how the colours came out in the different patterns. The colours are red, blue and cake but I have always liked how the swirls of colour look in the cake.

Then I was completely lazy and curled up on the sofa and played Final Fantasy X for a couple of hours (told you the PS3 would see more use ;) ) But all in all a nice relaxed day after the busyness of yesterday.

An out and about day

Up at the early (for me) hour of 8.45am to go to my Creative Writing class and since I had made buns yesterday I took some of them with me. They went down well and all the remaining buns were eaten and enjoyed. I on the other hand was enjoying the fact that one of class had brought her dog in with her, it has separation anxiety and was going to be left alone all day otherwise. It was cute, fluffy and loved that I and my sister would give it strokes and skritches on demand.

After class we went to pick up Final Fantasy X/X-2 HD which came out today, I've been looking forward to this coming out for a while now and it looks just as shiny as I had hoped. I must have put about 120 or so hours in to the originals so I think my PS3 will be seeing some more use over the next few days/weeks.

Then I went to my Friday afternoon volunteering at the BHF working with books. This is fatal for my money as I usually end up coming home with a few and today was no exception. I enjoy the company of the people there and working with the books of course but it has been a long time since I saw a price gun like the one they have there. It can be a little temperamental but I give it a good talking to and it works again. Then it was home and relaxing while watching sis play FFX so so pretty!

About Me

About me, simple enough question you'd think but I haven't found the right words to put in the introduction box yet.

So who am I?

Good question and one I've been asking myself a lot recently. Factually I am a 36 year old, who lives in the UK, has a twin sister, a fiancé and some really good friends. I like crafts, reading and photography. 

But all that other stuff you know that makes you, well you. That I can get a bit fuzzy on. You see like quite a few people in the world I have a mental health problem. Depression in my case and that gives me a distorted vision of me.  If you ask me, well you get the 'oh little old me I'm nothing interesting or important.'

So I have to try and see myself through others eyes. My fiancé thinks I am a good cook, loving and caring and beautiful. My sister will say supportive, helpful and loving. Others say reliable, trustworthy, nice, quiet, interesting, intelligent. Some of those I can see but others not so much and on some days not at all.

So who am I? I am not sure but I'm trying to find out and I need to learn to accept when people say positive things about me that it is true, but I am really working on that.

Mindfulness

Today I was at my Mindfulness support group and it was nice my sister was showing some of her crafts and getting good feedback and I was enjoying the atmosphere. Met up with a couple of people we had met on the course and one we are doing creative writing with. It reminded me that I should meditate more. I always feel so relaxed when I've done it but never quite seem to find the right time or remember to do it. We did a sound and thought meditation which I rather like, even if we were listening to ambulance sirens a far bit (the place is near the local hospital).

So this is a reminder to myself to go find meditations and try them and find the ones I like and chill out to them. Now to go and eat my dinner mindfully.

Crafting

I love crafts, really I do! I cross stitch, crochet, beading and sew but I'm not doing any of them right now and haven't for a few weeks now. I miss the relaxation they give me but when I try to do one of them I practically stop before I’ve started. I just cannot find the energy or motivation to do it and I hate that and then myself for a bit.

I have a kit that I got free with a magazine it's to make a small pin cushion in the shape of a mouse. I've had it for nearly two weeks and all I've managed to do in that time is cut out the pattern from the magazine and the ears from the fabric. It's sat on my desk staring at me but every time I try and do anything with it all my intentions to be productive or at least just cut a bit out desert me and it stays where it is.

I think that is the worst thing about my depression at the moment is that it has stolen my pleasure and relaxation in my crafts.