I am tired. At the moment I am always tired but not in a physical sense, brain tired. My depression has got a bit worse recently and I am beginning to really feel it now. The tiredness, becoming withdrawn even around my people I love, the numbness and then when not numb sadness.
I caught a bit of a programme my partner was watching the other day and one of the main characters was being all emotional about something and said "I wish I couldn't feel anything." I thought about this and my response is that feeling nothing is much worse. When you are at something amazing and all you can feel is a dull sense of enjoyment, when something bad happens and you feel sad but at the same time are just relieved it wasn't the really bad thing you had imagined the day before. Living each day as the same at the same dull level nothing appearing to change or you feeling any different.
There have been days where I wanted to feel something but the only way I could find to feel something was hurting myself. I am not at that level again but sometimes I feel my thoughts treading that same dark path. So I am taking myself back to the doctors and am going to talk things over with them about it because I don't want the black dog back at the door begging to be let in to make a mess all over again. I've been there before and it takes a lot of cleaning up.
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