A Dragon and other things

I've cross stitched for years, I have a large box filled with various things I've made, to be made and materials I've picked up over the years. But you see I have a dragon cross stitch that I am sewing, mostly not sewing. The piece is about 2 foot by 1 foot and the pattern came on two A3 sized pages, I had to buy a book with the pattern in as the original is falling apart (and then another one because I lost the book *sigh*). It is not a small project by any means. It's a UFO or unfinished object which has now been on the go for thirteen years, I have been doing longer than I have known my fiancé (twelve years in October). It is beautiful and whenever I show it to people I get such lovely compliments which being me I go well it's from a pattern or it's taken me years and other self-deprecating comments. It is getting close to being finished but recently I can never seem to find the will to sew it, it's complicated, I need to sort out the threads, I need to do the metallic bits and they are a pain are all excuses to myself I've used to justify my not doing it and the more I do that the easier it gets to go 'I'll do it another day I feel better by then'.

So I am resolving to pick my needle up and finish that damn dragon!

A nice walk

I walked to the shops today, I haven't been doing so recently been catching the bus instead because it seemed so much easier than walking all that way. But I weighed myself recently and realised that instead of the 10 or so stone I should be I am approaching 13 stone yeah not good. So I am trying to be healthier and walk as it will be good for my weight but also my mind as more exercise is proven to help with depression.

It was a lovely sunny day and the walk was warm with the scent of freshly cut grass and seeing some of the flowers beginning to bloom. So today was a good day and I even got some small cross stitch kits sorted for my mum.

Little mouse, little mouse

I have been told by my dad that I was a chatty child when very young, but soon after he and my mum split I seemed to learn that being noisy was bad. This was probably to do with my step dad who to put it mildly sometimes most of the time was not a nice person. So I became quieter I would still talk to people but maybe not so much and very quietly. Then when I started secondary school the teasing that we (me and my sis) had put up with went up a notch or seven and became full on bulling. So I took from that, that people were not to be trusted and that making friends was really hard.

When I hit Sixth Form I am sure my classes thought I was a functioning mute. Literally the only people I talked to there was my tutors and my sister and later her boyfriend. So when I hit college I realised I could not really function like that and made an effort to talk to people. I got to be able to say hi to classmates and even know most of their names. Also we joined with a group through the LAN network and ended up playing D&D properly for the first time with a group of three guys. My sister kept in contact with one of them (He became her partner later, what happened with him I will cover in a later post).

So I've got better over the years at talking but still find it really very hard. Every time I think of something I will go over it in my mind and make sure that there is nothing it what I say that someone can use against me, because I've learnt that I shouldn't speak up or if I do bad things will happen or at least that's what my brain tells me. So I shall head to CBT to try and change my behaviour patterns because even if it doesn't make me a chatterbox (I don't think so!) it will be nice to be able to talk to strangers or even people I know a bit without fear.

Of Doctors, books and annoyances

So today was my doctors day and she was very understanding and helpful which sometimes is half the battle. She made sure that I saw a referral sent so that I wasn't worrying about it and upped my meds which while I didn't really want to do it, it is what is needed right now.

On to a happier note I've been reading one of the books I bought on Friday (Spike and Co.) which is very good and an interesting insight into the the comedy of the late 50's and early 60's of which I already knew a little bit about already from being interested in Round the Horne and the Goons and looked into the background of both.

And so to annoyances my sister has been fighting with ESA to get money and they are being reluctant to give her it because they keep reading the wrong bit of information. Hopefully this will be sorted shortly when she gets in touch with the advisor who had dealt with this before with her JSA. Considering these are the same people who lost three of my sick notes I am not holding my breath.

But mostly a good day as I came out with the result I wanted from the doctors and have found a good book.

Tiredness (Warning: depression stuff )

I am tired. At the moment I am always tired but not in a physical sense, brain tired. My depression has got a bit worse recently and I am beginning to really feel it now. The tiredness, becoming withdrawn even around my people I love, the numbness and then when not numb sadness.

I caught a bit of a programme my partner was watching the other day and one of the main characters was being all emotional about something and said "I wish I couldn't feel anything." I thought about this and my response is that feeling nothing is much worse. When you are at something amazing and all you can feel is a dull sense of enjoyment, when something bad happens and you feel sad but at the same time are just relieved it wasn't the really bad thing you had imagined the day before. Living each day as the same at the same dull level nothing appearing to change or you feeling any different.

There have been days where I wanted to feel something but the only way I could find to feel something was hurting myself. I am not at that level again but sometimes I feel my thoughts treading that same dark path. So I am taking myself back to the doctors and am going to talk things over with them about it because I don't want the black dog back at the door begging to be let in to make a mess all over again. I've been there before and it takes a lot of cleaning up.

You shall be baked...

I baked again for the second time in three days, I haven't baked for ages and it's nice to remember why I like doing it and seeing the end results (even if they don't last long around my other half). Today I made more raisin buns and a marble cake. I haven't cut into the marble cake yet and will be interested to see how the colours came out in the different patterns. The colours are red, blue and cake but I have always liked how the swirls of colour look in the cake.

Then I was completely lazy and curled up on the sofa and played Final Fantasy X for a couple of hours (told you the PS3 would see more use ;) ) But all in all a nice relaxed day after the busyness of yesterday.

An out and about day

Up at the early (for me) hour of 8.45am to go to my Creative Writing class and since I had made buns yesterday I took some of them with me. They went down well and all the remaining buns were eaten and enjoyed. I on the other hand was enjoying the fact that one of class had brought her dog in with her, it has separation anxiety and was going to be left alone all day otherwise. It was cute, fluffy and loved that I and my sister would give it strokes and skritches on demand.

After class we went to pick up Final Fantasy X/X-2 HD which came out today, I've been looking forward to this coming out for a while now and it looks just as shiny as I had hoped. I must have put about 120 or so hours in to the originals so I think my PS3 will be seeing some more use over the next few days/weeks.

Then I went to my Friday afternoon volunteering at the BHF working with books. This is fatal for my money as I usually end up coming home with a few and today was no exception. I enjoy the company of the people there and working with the books of course but it has been a long time since I saw a price gun like the one they have there. It can be a little temperamental but I give it a good talking to and it works again. Then it was home and relaxing while watching sis play FFX so so pretty!

About Me

About me, simple enough question you'd think but I haven't found the right words to put in the introduction box yet.

So who am I?

Good question and one I've been asking myself a lot recently. Factually I am a 36 year old, who lives in the UK, has a twin sister, a fiancé and some really good friends. I like crafts, reading and photography. 

But all that other stuff you know that makes you, well you. That I can get a bit fuzzy on. You see like quite a few people in the world I have a mental health problem. Depression in my case and that gives me a distorted vision of me.  If you ask me, well you get the 'oh little old me I'm nothing interesting or important.'

So I have to try and see myself through others eyes. My fiancé thinks I am a good cook, loving and caring and beautiful. My sister will say supportive, helpful and loving. Others say reliable, trustworthy, nice, quiet, interesting, intelligent. Some of those I can see but others not so much and on some days not at all.

So who am I? I am not sure but I'm trying to find out and I need to learn to accept when people say positive things about me that it is true, but I am really working on that.

Mindfulness

Today I was at my Mindfulness support group and it was nice my sister was showing some of her crafts and getting good feedback and I was enjoying the atmosphere. Met up with a couple of people we had met on the course and one we are doing creative writing with. It reminded me that I should meditate more. I always feel so relaxed when I've done it but never quite seem to find the right time or remember to do it. We did a sound and thought meditation which I rather like, even if we were listening to ambulance sirens a far bit (the place is near the local hospital).

So this is a reminder to myself to go find meditations and try them and find the ones I like and chill out to them. Now to go and eat my dinner mindfully.

Crafting

I love crafts, really I do! I cross stitch, crochet, beading and sew but I'm not doing any of them right now and haven't for a few weeks now. I miss the relaxation they give me but when I try to do one of them I practically stop before I’ve started. I just cannot find the energy or motivation to do it and I hate that and then myself for a bit.

I have a kit that I got free with a magazine it's to make a small pin cushion in the shape of a mouse. I've had it for nearly two weeks and all I've managed to do in that time is cut out the pattern from the magazine and the ears from the fabric. It's sat on my desk staring at me but every time I try and do anything with it all my intentions to be productive or at least just cut a bit out desert me and it stays where it is.

I think that is the worst thing about my depression at the moment is that it has stolen my pleasure and relaxation in my crafts.