She Breaks Just Like a Little Girl (Dealing with Depression post)

I managed three of the four weeks of my work experience but at the beginning of the fourth my brain said no more, in a curled up on the floor in tears and couldn't stop kinda way. It all got a bit much, I felt exhausted all the time, I was expected to be someone I really at not, to look for work when I wasn't at work, cleaning, cooking or the other hundred and one things I felt needed to be done.

Then I went for an interview I wasn't great but thought I'd be okay, well I wasn't right. I ended up on Blossom Street in tears after self harming on the bus and rang my friend who quickly came to me and whisked me away to a quiet place so I could put the fragments of myself together. I went to the doctors and the doctor who saw me gave me the pull yourself together you will be fine talk, here is a sick note for four days. I later saw one my usual doctors and sorted something out that was better.

Then the day after that I got a call to arrange my CBT appointment after months of waiting. We are discussing my various things and she is very nice and helpful. We are working together well and it's nice to have a non judgemental person, one of the other people I've talked to tended to be a bit oh you should do this or that but she is more the "are you comfortable with that".

Living with Glados

So I have depression and the way I tend to liken it is it's like having your very own personal Glados (from the Portal games) who has been described as being "polite, passive-aggressive, and insanely sadistic.".

So when I feel I've done something wrong she starts with "oh it's you..." And the proceeds to tell me how useless I am and that everyone hates me all in a perfect imitation of my own voice. She lies a lot and tries to make me believe things that are not even the remotest bit possible. I am beginning to recognise depression's voice though so it is easier sometimes to ignore but still on occasions I believe the thoughts.

Occasionally the thoughts float through my mind, the insidious type, if you do this maybe things would be better. Usually self harming in nature but not so much lately and if they turn up they it is easier for me to just let them pass by instead of at some points where they sounded like good ideas.

The drugs have quietened the thoughts but they still bubble up and I know that help is still needed just waiting for the CBT process to get to the point where they can see me.

Thoughts about Food

I love food, cooking and baking. I am also realising that my relationship to food is sometimes not healthy. Having been noting my food down on an app to help me lose a bit of weight I've been realising that sometimes I eat because I'm bored and sometimes because of emotional issues.

I realised the emotional side when this weekend I fell apart for the first time in a while and noticed that my first thoughts were to head for food, when I wasn't a crying non verbal mess. We actually ended up having a walk out instead and that did me more good as I used some mindfulness techniques and it helped calm me down and treated myself to a cheap almost chocolate dessert (which I ate mindfully :D ). At least I'm not eating from boredom so much as I am thinking about what I'm eating instead of just heading to the kitchen and seeing what's there.

I'll have to look into more recipes to do in the slow cooker, I've got the cider cooked gammon and a nice stew down I'm sure I can find other tasty tasty things to do with it.

Lions and Teddys and Foxes Oh My!

His name is Harry, I've only had him a few months but I saw him in the shop when I was in a down and he had been reduced so I bought him to cheer myself up. He has become a bit of a barometer if I'm feeling blue I'll grab him and wander around the flat looking all of about five. 

I've always had a favourite teddy/cuddly toy to go to at various times. One Eyed Ted, Nippet, Leo, Jasper and a few others all with various reasons as why I would go to them. 

One is a fox called Foxy and he was made for me by my dad when I was about nine. These days he's looking a bit worn and has no nose but is still loved. At one point I began having nightmares pretty often and ended up falling asleep hugging my fox to guard me from having more, so then I started hugging him when I went to bed to stop me having nightmares and it worked. 

Leo I always hugged when I was ill he just seemed to comfort me more when I was sick, his nose is worn and his velveteen paws are quite smooth these days.

So if I am hugging a small bear named Harry, he's there to chase the black dog away? If only for a little while.

A Dragon and other things

I've cross stitched for years, I have a large box filled with various things I've made, to be made and materials I've picked up over the years. But you see I have a dragon cross stitch that I am sewing, mostly not sewing. The piece is about 2 foot by 1 foot and the pattern came on two A3 sized pages, I had to buy a book with the pattern in as the original is falling apart (and then another one because I lost the book *sigh*). It is not a small project by any means. It's a UFO or unfinished object which has now been on the go for thirteen years, I have been doing longer than I have known my fiancé (twelve years in October). It is beautiful and whenever I show it to people I get such lovely compliments which being me I go well it's from a pattern or it's taken me years and other self-deprecating comments. It is getting close to being finished but recently I can never seem to find the will to sew it, it's complicated, I need to sort out the threads, I need to do the metallic bits and they are a pain are all excuses to myself I've used to justify my not doing it and the more I do that the easier it gets to go 'I'll do it another day I feel better by then'.

So I am resolving to pick my needle up and finish that damn dragon!

A nice walk

I walked to the shops today, I haven't been doing so recently been catching the bus instead because it seemed so much easier than walking all that way. But I weighed myself recently and realised that instead of the 10 or so stone I should be I am approaching 13 stone yeah not good. So I am trying to be healthier and walk as it will be good for my weight but also my mind as more exercise is proven to help with depression.

It was a lovely sunny day and the walk was warm with the scent of freshly cut grass and seeing some of the flowers beginning to bloom. So today was a good day and I even got some small cross stitch kits sorted for my mum.

Tiredness (Warning: depression stuff )

I am tired. At the moment I am always tired but not in a physical sense, brain tired. My depression has got a bit worse recently and I am beginning to really feel it now. The tiredness, becoming withdrawn even around my people I love, the numbness and then when not numb sadness.

I caught a bit of a programme my partner was watching the other day and one of the main characters was being all emotional about something and said "I wish I couldn't feel anything." I thought about this and my response is that feeling nothing is much worse. When you are at something amazing and all you can feel is a dull sense of enjoyment, when something bad happens and you feel sad but at the same time are just relieved it wasn't the really bad thing you had imagined the day before. Living each day as the same at the same dull level nothing appearing to change or you feeling any different.

There have been days where I wanted to feel something but the only way I could find to feel something was hurting myself. I am not at that level again but sometimes I feel my thoughts treading that same dark path. So I am taking myself back to the doctors and am going to talk things over with them about it because I don't want the black dog back at the door begging to be let in to make a mess all over again. I've been there before and it takes a lot of cleaning up.

About Me

About me, simple enough question you'd think but I haven't found the right words to put in the introduction box yet.

So who am I?

Good question and one I've been asking myself a lot recently. Factually I am a 36 year old, who lives in the UK, has a twin sister, a fiancé and some really good friends. I like crafts, reading and photography. 

But all that other stuff you know that makes you, well you. That I can get a bit fuzzy on. You see like quite a few people in the world I have a mental health problem. Depression in my case and that gives me a distorted vision of me.  If you ask me, well you get the 'oh little old me I'm nothing interesting or important.'

So I have to try and see myself through others eyes. My fiancé thinks I am a good cook, loving and caring and beautiful. My sister will say supportive, helpful and loving. Others say reliable, trustworthy, nice, quiet, interesting, intelligent. Some of those I can see but others not so much and on some days not at all.

So who am I? I am not sure but I'm trying to find out and I need to learn to accept when people say positive things about me that it is true, but I am really working on that.

Crafting

I love crafts, really I do! I cross stitch, crochet, beading and sew but I'm not doing any of them right now and haven't for a few weeks now. I miss the relaxation they give me but when I try to do one of them I practically stop before I’ve started. I just cannot find the energy or motivation to do it and I hate that and then myself for a bit.

I have a kit that I got free with a magazine it's to make a small pin cushion in the shape of a mouse. I've had it for nearly two weeks and all I've managed to do in that time is cut out the pattern from the magazine and the ears from the fabric. It's sat on my desk staring at me but every time I try and do anything with it all my intentions to be productive or at least just cut a bit out desert me and it stays where it is.

I think that is the worst thing about my depression at the moment is that it has stolen my pleasure and relaxation in my crafts.