She Breaks Just Like a Little Girl (Dealing with Depression post)

I managed three of the four weeks of my work experience but at the beginning of the fourth my brain said no more, in a curled up on the floor in tears and couldn't stop kinda way. It all got a bit much, I felt exhausted all the time, I was expected to be someone I really at not, to look for work when I wasn't at work, cleaning, cooking or the other hundred and one things I felt needed to be done.

Then I went for an interview I wasn't great but thought I'd be okay, well I wasn't right. I ended up on Blossom Street in tears after self harming on the bus and rang my friend who quickly came to me and whisked me away to a quiet place so I could put the fragments of myself together. I went to the doctors and the doctor who saw me gave me the pull yourself together you will be fine talk, here is a sick note for four days. I later saw one my usual doctors and sorted something out that was better.

Then the day after that I got a call to arrange my CBT appointment after months of waiting. We are discussing my various things and she is very nice and helpful. We are working together well and it's nice to have a non judgemental person, one of the other people I've talked to tended to be a bit oh you should do this or that but she is more the "are you comfortable with that".

Living with Glados

So I have depression and the way I tend to liken it is it's like having your very own personal Glados (from the Portal games) who has been described as being "polite, passive-aggressive, and insanely sadistic.".

So when I feel I've done something wrong she starts with "oh it's you..." And the proceeds to tell me how useless I am and that everyone hates me all in a perfect imitation of my own voice. She lies a lot and tries to make me believe things that are not even the remotest bit possible. I am beginning to recognise depression's voice though so it is easier sometimes to ignore but still on occasions I believe the thoughts.

Occasionally the thoughts float through my mind, the insidious type, if you do this maybe things would be better. Usually self harming in nature but not so much lately and if they turn up they it is easier for me to just let them pass by instead of at some points where they sounded like good ideas.

The drugs have quietened the thoughts but they still bubble up and I know that help is still needed just waiting for the CBT process to get to the point where they can see me.

Tiredness (Warning: depression stuff )

I am tired. At the moment I am always tired but not in a physical sense, brain tired. My depression has got a bit worse recently and I am beginning to really feel it now. The tiredness, becoming withdrawn even around my people I love, the numbness and then when not numb sadness.

I caught a bit of a programme my partner was watching the other day and one of the main characters was being all emotional about something and said "I wish I couldn't feel anything." I thought about this and my response is that feeling nothing is much worse. When you are at something amazing and all you can feel is a dull sense of enjoyment, when something bad happens and you feel sad but at the same time are just relieved it wasn't the really bad thing you had imagined the day before. Living each day as the same at the same dull level nothing appearing to change or you feeling any different.

There have been days where I wanted to feel something but the only way I could find to feel something was hurting myself. I am not at that level again but sometimes I feel my thoughts treading that same dark path. So I am taking myself back to the doctors and am going to talk things over with them about it because I don't want the black dog back at the door begging to be let in to make a mess all over again. I've been there before and it takes a lot of cleaning up.