Lions and Teddys and Foxes Oh My!

His name is Harry, I've only had him a few months but I saw him in the shop when I was in a down and he had been reduced so I bought him to cheer myself up. He has become a bit of a barometer if I'm feeling blue I'll grab him and wander around the flat looking all of about five. 

I've always had a favourite teddy/cuddly toy to go to at various times. One Eyed Ted, Nippet, Leo, Jasper and a few others all with various reasons as why I would go to them. 

One is a fox called Foxy and he was made for me by my dad when I was about nine. These days he's looking a bit worn and has no nose but is still loved. At one point I began having nightmares pretty often and ended up falling asleep hugging my fox to guard me from having more, so then I started hugging him when I went to bed to stop me having nightmares and it worked. 

Leo I always hugged when I was ill he just seemed to comfort me more when I was sick, his nose is worn and his velveteen paws are quite smooth these days.

So if I am hugging a small bear named Harry, he's there to chase the black dog away? If only for a little while.

Little mouse, little mouse

I have been told by my dad that I was a chatty child when very young, but soon after he and my mum split I seemed to learn that being noisy was bad. This was probably to do with my step dad who to put it mildly sometimes most of the time was not a nice person. So I became quieter I would still talk to people but maybe not so much and very quietly. Then when I started secondary school the teasing that we (me and my sis) had put up with went up a notch or seven and became full on bulling. So I took from that, that people were not to be trusted and that making friends was really hard.

When I hit Sixth Form I am sure my classes thought I was a functioning mute. Literally the only people I talked to there was my tutors and my sister and later her boyfriend. So when I hit college I realised I could not really function like that and made an effort to talk to people. I got to be able to say hi to classmates and even know most of their names. Also we joined with a group through the LAN network and ended up playing D&D properly for the first time with a group of three guys. My sister kept in contact with one of them (He became her partner later, what happened with him I will cover in a later post).

So I've got better over the years at talking but still find it really very hard. Every time I think of something I will go over it in my mind and make sure that there is nothing it what I say that someone can use against me, because I've learnt that I shouldn't speak up or if I do bad things will happen or at least that's what my brain tells me. So I shall head to CBT to try and change my behaviour patterns because even if it doesn't make me a chatterbox (I don't think so!) it will be nice to be able to talk to strangers or even people I know a bit without fear.