She Breaks Just Like a Little Girl (Dealing with Depression post)

I managed three of the four weeks of my work experience but at the beginning of the fourth my brain said no more, in a curled up on the floor in tears and couldn't stop kinda way. It all got a bit much, I felt exhausted all the time, I was expected to be someone I really at not, to look for work when I wasn't at work, cleaning, cooking or the other hundred and one things I felt needed to be done.

Then I went for an interview I wasn't great but thought I'd be okay, well I wasn't right. I ended up on Blossom Street in tears after self harming on the bus and rang my friend who quickly came to me and whisked me away to a quiet place so I could put the fragments of myself together. I went to the doctors and the doctor who saw me gave me the pull yourself together you will be fine talk, here is a sick note for four days. I later saw one my usual doctors and sorted something out that was better.

Then the day after that I got a call to arrange my CBT appointment after months of waiting. We are discussing my various things and she is very nice and helpful. We are working together well and it's nice to have a non judgemental person, one of the other people I've talked to tended to be a bit oh you should do this or that but she is more the "are you comfortable with that".

Four weeks as a Govement Slave

So I've been 'volunteered' for mandatory work experience which for me means I'm working in a shop as a retail slave. I haven't done any till work yet just filling and facing up with a little cleaning thrown in for good measure. The managers seem okay and the peons nice. But I really don't like working for nothing even a token amount for attending would have been nice.

So for six hours a day I am on my feet working hard, then I am expected to look for work as well. My feet hurt, I ache from head to toe and I'm so knackered I just want to sleep the rest of the time.

The Wet, the Crowds and the burgers

We went to to Leeds on Saturday to the White Rose Shopping centre, it was pouring down and we ended up sharing an umbrella to the centre itself from the car. We ended up in Build a Bear as we tend to when we go there Sis wanted to get Rarity from My Little Pony which they are currently doing. I ended up coming home with a white bear who I have named Marc as he is an Almond Cub...

It was very busy and we had never seen it so crowded combination of Saturday and rain I guess. After being in a couple of crowded shops my brain tried to freak out so I sat down for a bit with an audiobook on my ipod and shut my eyes for a bit and concentrated on that, which helped calm me down.

After a peek in a shop or two we then went to the Handmade Burger Co who do very nice burgers and chilled out there for a while chatting and generally being silly. Managed to pick up a few bits for my Sis who like myself has a birthday shortly must be something to do with us being twins.

I Think I've Been Domesticated!

When I was younger I wanted to do everything and go everywhere as all teenagers do. Now I am in my thirties and I am happy that I am getting a new washing machine and my ambition is to have a little home with my partner and be his housewife. Admittedly a housewife who plays MMO's or Xbox but you can't have everything ;) can you.

But at the moment I am happy to clean my kitchen, make sandwiches for my partner to take to work and dinner for my family and would like a steam cleaner as the one I borrowed from my dad got the floor so clean. Still need to work on the cleaning the rest of the flat though. Well my next project is giving the bathroom a good clean, which shouldn't be too hard as there isn't that much to do in there, I think but I'm sure I'll find a few other things to do as I go through there.

Sunny days

I have been enjoying the last couple of days, the sunshine has been lovely and I managed to get out in it for walks, one to the local shops to get a few bits and one with my mum to Bachelor Hill which is near my home. You get such a nice view and on a clear day, like Sunday you can see all the way to the hills and you can see the white horse. Took my camera and took a few photos too.

Talking of photographs, a couple of my pictures have been on display at the City Screen cinema as part of the Love Arts festival. They are on display until Friday 30 May on the first floor.

In other news I've lost four pounds so far in my quest to get down to more reasonable weight, so go me!

Living with Glados

So I have depression and the way I tend to liken it is it's like having your very own personal Glados (from the Portal games) who has been described as being "polite, passive-aggressive, and insanely sadistic.".

So when I feel I've done something wrong she starts with "oh it's you..." And the proceeds to tell me how useless I am and that everyone hates me all in a perfect imitation of my own voice. She lies a lot and tries to make me believe things that are not even the remotest bit possible. I am beginning to recognise depression's voice though so it is easier sometimes to ignore but still on occasions I believe the thoughts.

Occasionally the thoughts float through my mind, the insidious type, if you do this maybe things would be better. Usually self harming in nature but not so much lately and if they turn up they it is easier for me to just let them pass by instead of at some points where they sounded like good ideas.

The drugs have quietened the thoughts but they still bubble up and I know that help is still needed just waiting for the CBT process to get to the point where they can see me.

Lavender's blue, dilly, dilly, lavender's green

Today I went to Yorkshire Lavender with my mother and Lea it is lovely around there and it was nice to be out in the countryside again. I came back with some Lavender and Bergamot bath fizzers, pencil, pencil sharper and an eraser. There was so many Lavender things! Also came back with a Lavender plant for my sister. We want to go back in summer when more of the plants are in flower but I got some lovely shots of the countryside and some of the plants that were in flower and the deer too.

The tea shop had lovely (and generous) portions but the service was a little slow, we watched them lose about three or four tables because they didn't get served for quite a while. But all in all a good day and lovely weather too.